Forgiveness?
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you. Psalm 32:8
Anne sensed Mike’s desperation when she saw him signing them up for a weekend marriage conference. She knew most men dreaded marriage conferences and seldom took the initiative to participate.
“I didn’t think attending a conference would make things better between Mike and me. His insistence that we participate opened deep emotional wounds.
“When I saw what Mike was doing, I could have told him it wouldn’t do any good; it was too late. He had been a jerk for too long and a marriage conference wasn’t going to change anything. His insistence that we attend annoyed me.”
Anne only agreed to participate after Darlene and her husband offered to keep Noah for that weekend. They were the only two Anne trusted, outside of family, to care for her son.
At the Conference
“I didn’t hear anything profound that first night—we sat through several lectures and then received an assignment to complete for the next day. It wasn’t a group assignment, but one for each couple.
“Mike and I had to write a letter to each other. We were to write details about why we were attending, what was going on in our lives, and in our relationship.
“It took me about three minutes to write my letter, and then I went to bed.”
The next morning, the facilitator asked each couple to read their letters to the other.
“Mike and I were sitting across from each other. I insisted on reading my letter first. It didn’t take me long to read what I had written; I read in almost sing-song fashion—and I was happy I’d kept it simple. I really had nothing left to say to Mike.
“Then it was Mike’s turn to read his letter to me. I was quite irritated when he insisted we move closer together, so our knees would touch. I didn’t want touching; some space between our knees would be just fine. But Mike persisted, and finally I gave in; we were closer—but I made sure our knees weren’t touching.
“The many pages in Mike’s hand showed me his letter was lots longer than mine. I didn’t care. I just wanted the conference to be over so I could be back home with Noah.
“Mike started reading and I barely paid attention. As he kept going, I was forced to listen; he had written some profound words. I heard my husband acknowledge that he’d been neglectful. As Mike continued, I realized he was pouring out some deep emotions.
“’Anne,’”he read,“’I want you to know what a good wife you are, and that I am the luckiest man in the world. I don’t think any other woman would have stood by me these past few years, and I know I’m not even aware of all I’ve put you through.’”
“I was amazed at what I was hearing from Mike, and it was evident he had more to say. I kept listening.”
“’I know the high doses of steroids had a negative impact on our relationship,’”Mike said. “’I can tell you’re ready to walk away from our marriage. Please Anne, please, stay. Please give us and our relationship another chance,’”he continued.“’I need you Anne. I want you. You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved. I want us to raise our son together’.”
Then Mike stopped reading. He couldn’t go on.
“My husband had choked up, and it was at that moment I realized it would be wrong for me to just walk away. But I couldn’t stop crying. My emotions were so raw; I had held so much back for so long. I didn’t know how much more I could take. I’d reached a point of emotional exhaustion.
“I just wanted the day to be over. I wasn’t ready to let Mike know he had put a crack in the walls I had so painstakingly built.”
Anne didn’t think she could handle any more that afternoon, but leaders asked everyone to attend the evening session. The pre-printed program indicated the conference facilitator himself would be speaking about pain.
“I didn’t need to hear about pain; I knew more about it than the speaker. But Mike thought it best we fully participate, and reminded me we’d be going home the next day.
“My emotions were still raw. The speaker was talking about letting go of pain, moving past pain, and being stuck in pain if you didn’t move past the hurt. Then he issued a challenge.”
“Regardless of what your spouse is going to do,”he asked,“what are you going to do about your pain?”
“I would have to figure out the answer to that question. I knew Mike wouldn’t change overnight, and neither would I. He was still recuperating from his transplant, with just enough symptoms to remind us he hadn’t yet made a full recovery.
“I had no idea what I was going to do. I thought about the last part of Luke 6:37, where Jesus said, ‘Forgive, and be forgiven.’
“My heavenly Father was offering me forgiveness. I knew I couldn’t accept forgiveness from Him if I didn’t extend the same to Mike. And I knew forgiving Mike for the pain he had caused me wouldn’t be easy.
“I was still hurting from all the emotions I had stored away to protect my heart.
“Would I be able to let go of my pain? Could I find a way to move past my hurt? I thought it might actually be easier to stay stuck. And if we hadn’t adopted Noah, my decision would have been easy.
“Now I not only had Noah to consider, but I also had to consider my relationship with God.
“Pursuing a legal separation would serve no good purpose for Noah. When Mike had gotten choked up reading his letter, I saw glimpses of the man I had dated. I had to wonder if it was possible to have a husband again.”
By bedtime, Anne was overcome with exhaustion, and still feeling emotionally vulnerable.
“All I wanted was for us to pick up Noah and go home.”
After the Conference
It was a gradual process, but things at home began to change. Mike’s taste and appetite were slowly returning.
Although Anne and Mike found his recovery slow, he kept feeling better at a faster pace than his doctors had predicted. Determined to finish his residency, Mike went back to work. He started with half days at first; then gradually geared up for a heavier work load.
“As he was finishing up his residency, Mike told me about a job posting he’d seen for a position at Bremerton Naval Hospital in Bremerton, Washington. I knew Mike was excited about the job, because he had hoped to live in the northwest again. He told me he had put in his application. A week later he learned the position had been filled.
“I knew Mike was disappointed. I wasn’t. I had no desire to leave Virginia.
“Then, four days later, the Navy was back in touch. The position was available again. Mike told me how happy he was, and that it was by the grace of God the opportunity had been made available.
“I was torn. I hated the thought of leaving the church that had been so loving and caring. We had friendships there I would cherish forever. Mike and I had always been amazed at how the entire congregation had stood ready, during his transplant ordeal, to host fund-raisers to help with medical expenses.
“The thought of moving tore my heart in two. But regardless how we felt about being on the receiving end of servant hearts at church, the Navy had taken good care of us. We would continue to be a military family. Mike happily accepted the job offer.”
A Vision from God
Anne wrote down every detail of the vision God gave her for their home in Washington. They couldn’t find any homes on the market that matched, so they agreed to rent. The house they rented was for sale, and sold just four days after being listed. The new owners wanted to move right away.
“At the eleventh hour, we found a house that matched the description God had given me. It had been on the market for over four months, and we were able to purchase it for less than market value.
“The two-story house sat on two and a half acres. It had a picture window with a window box and a curved sidewalk leading to the front door. There were three bedrooms and three bathrooms. Mike was excited about the three-car, front-facing garage—he’d have room to store his many tools.
“We moved in September 1, 2000. Max quickly made friends with a cat, Buttons, who had come with the property. It turned out Buttons was a good mouser, and we often joked that we should have had to pay more for the place just because of him."
Mike focused on work, and Anne focused on making their house a home. They decided to add a kitchen window to bring in more light. Anne gave every corner of the house her attention. She wanted their home to be warm and inviting, a place where they could escape from the cares of the world, and enjoy time as a family.
“I had to admit there had been significant changes in Mike’s behavior after the marriage conference. His changed behavior forced my own behavior to shift, even though I found change difficult. I took my mind off our relationship by focusing on little details in every room, hanging pictures, and positioning lamps just so.
“Each day, I made a conscious decision to forgive Mike, especially for Noah’s sake.
“We were looking forward to Christmas 2000, and celebrating Noah’s third birthday. Our son liked doing everything Mike liked doing, and so, whenever Mike went outdoors to clear some of the many trees off the acreage, he would take Noah with him.
“Noah wanted to help his dad, and he loved using his own hatchet to chop tiny branches. Mike taught Noah how to safely use the hatchet, and how to properly care for tools. At that young age, Noah knew to never leave tools outside; he also learned he was never to use his hatchet unless his dad was with him.
“It was good to watch Mike and Noah together; my husband was feeling stronger with each passing week. We couldn’t have known his recovery would truly be miraculous. At the time, he was one of only a handful of patients in the United States to have recovered from PNH.”
Mike was grateful to feel good, and grateful Anne hadn’t followed through on her initial desire to file for legal separation. Still working on forgiveness, Anne felt thankful to have pre-steroid Mike back.
At the end of each day, they would tuck Noah into bed and say a blessing over him. Then, as they prepared for bed, Mike would read from the Bible, and he and Anne would pray together.
The Schlegel’s knew they had set aside their respective feelings about their marriage, given the work involved in moving and getting settled.
“We managed to mask our emotions fairly well. But Mike and I also recognized God was speaking to our hearts.
“We realized He was asking us to pay attention to a matter we had put off for some time.”
***
Mike and Anne’s marriage was improving, but it was still easier to focus on the move, work, the house, and caring for Noah. They were continuing their nightly practice of reading Scripture and praying together. They Navy was treating them well; Anne had abandoned the idea of a legal separation, and she was working to forgive Mike. From my perspective, that was more than enough to fill their plates. What more could God be asking of them, and how would they respond?
Chapter Seventeen
Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version,
copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a division of Good News Publishers.
Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Chapter Seventeen