Lashed By Storms- CH 6

Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version,

Chapter Six

Anne’s Fleece

“In overflowing anger for a moment I hid my face from you, but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,” says the Lord, your Redeemer. Isaiah 54:8

            With Mike devoted to his internship, and the house arranged as she wanted, Anne decided to continue her education. She made application for the master’s program in the School of Psychology and Counseling at Regent University. Prior to her acceptance that year, 1990, Regent had been known as Christian Broadcasting Network University. Dr. Pat Robertson had founded the school in 1977.

            “Continuing to study psychology was a logical and fascinating choice for me, given my mother’s addictive behavior. I was determined to excel in grad school. The conversation I’d had with my Aunt Helen at Mike’s graduation party was fresh in my mind. While I was checking salad bowls for refills, she came and asked me why we weren’t celebrating my graduation.

            “I had to explain to her that we weren’t celebrating because I was actually embarrassed it had taken me five years to finish a four-year program. I was so hard on myself—thinking I should have been able to finish sooner, even though I was working three part-time jobs. I was thankful no one else was close when Aunt Helen had come up to me to talk. She didn’t seem to care for my comment that there were so many graduates I would have been lost in the crowd if I had participated in the formal graduation ceremony.

            “Just as I sensed Aunt Helen was going to say something else, several guests came to re-fill their plates and our conversation was interrupted. I wanted to hug those people and thank them for their timing, but of course, that would have drawn attention to me, and that was the last thing I wanted. The celebration was for Mike, and all that mattered was that he was having a good time.”

            A part of Anne’s program required working at Christian Broadcasting Network. Students, under supervision, worked with the school’s counseling clients. It was a hectic schedule, and juggling that with classes, left her little time for family or social life.

            “By that time, I had become efficient at hiding my feelings. I was an expert at compartmentalizing my deepest emotions. It was what allowed me to function every day and appear sane. Anyone meeting me for the first time would definitely think I was both dedicated and focused. My drive and determination were fueled by my strong desire to prove myself worthy to my peers, to Mike, to myself, to the world, and to God.”

Prayer Request

            Each weekday morning, prior to starting work, psychology students would meet with their supervisors to share about critical clients, particularly difficult patients. Could this patient use a referral? Would that patient be better served with a different counseling approach? What would God have us do?

            As part of those meetings, students would share with supervisors their strategies: those they were using for crisis intervention and prayer counseling, those they were using in face-to-face meetings with patients, and those they were using in phone consultations.

            Then, as a group, they would turn to prayer, seeking answers for their clients and for themselves in their roles as Christian counselors. They collectively acknowledged it was God who healed; they were simply His hands and feet to those who were hurting.

            “I don’t recall specifically when, but there was a morning when I utilized that time of sharing and prayer to mention my battle with infertility. I requested prayer for myself.

            “My relationship with God had become all messed up over my obsession of wanting and not being able to have a child. As an undergraduate student and as a bride, all I wanted was to have children. Six children, just as I had imagined as a child when playing house.

            “I guess because I wanted to have children so badly, everywhere I went I saw pregnant women. Many of my peers were pregnant, and busy hosting and attending baby showers. Every magazine I picked up, it seemed, had advertisements for baby items. Babies, babies, babies. They were everywhere, except inside my belly.

            “There was no one I could talk to. My friends and classmates who were pregnant wouldn’t find me fun. I was happy for them, but I wanted to be one of them. It ripped me up inside every time I saw anything related to pregnancy and babies. No pregnant woman would be able to understand the haunting ache I felt deep inside. They wouldn’t understand my hurt over the miscarriages.

            “No one would understand my questioning God and asking why we weren’t pregnant. We weren’t rich, but we had our love for God and each other, and I knew Mike and I would be good parents. The ache in my heart kept growing. And I knew if I saw one more advertisement for something related to babies, I would die of heartbreak.”

Answered Prayer

            That morning when she voiced her prayer request, Anne couldn’t have known God had spoken to another student’s heart. Sherman wasn’t in the same degree program as Anne, but he was required to participate in some of the same graduate academic activities.

            A few days after Anne had referenced her battle with infertility and requested prayer, Sherman approached her.

            “God has led me to share these Scripture verses with you. I am praying them for you.” He took her hand and pressed a piece of paper into her palm.

            Later, when Anne dared look at the paper, she saw he had hand-written a Scripture citation, Isaiah 54: 1-4. Below it, he had written the words of those verses:

“Sing, O barren one, who did not bear;
break forth into singing and cry aloud,
you who have not been in labor!
For the children of the desolate one will be more
than the children of her who is married,” says the Lord.
“Enlarge the place of your tent,
and let the curtains of your habitations be stretched out;
do not hold back; lengthen your cords
and strengthen your stakes.
For you will spread broad to the right and to the left,
and your offspring will possess the nations
and will people the desolate cities.
“Fear not, for you will not be ashamed;
be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced;
for you will forget the shame of your youth,
and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.”

            “I read those words, and I couldn’t take my eyes off them. Sherman had deliberately copied those words, those precious words. I lost track of how many times I read them to myself. They were such beautiful verses—they seemed to work their way into my being. I couldn’t stop looking at those carefully printed words. They were gems of gold. They were verses I had never heard Mike read from the Bible. I wanted to lift individual words off that paper and press each one deep into my heart.”

            Instead, Anne carefully folded the paper for safekeeping. She couldn’t wait to get home. When there, she carefully placed the paper inside the front cover of her Bible, and then turned to Isaiah 54. She wanted to read those verses again.

            With her Bible in hand, she didn’t stop at verse four. In the verses that followed, she found more precious words. Her eyes couldn’t scan them fast enough: “For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name . . . For the Lord has called you like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit . . . For a brief moment I deserted you, but with great compassion I will gather you . . . my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed . . . All your children shall be taught by the LORD, and great shall be the peace of your children . . ."

            Anne read the rest of the chapter, and then started over, reading all seventeen verses again. It was one afternoon she was thankful to have the house to herself. Emotions overwhelmed her.

            “In a micro-second, I experienced full blast all the hurt, anger, frustration, disillusionment, heartache and anger that had been my constant companions for so long. And then, slowly, I began to experience some semblance of calm, peace, order, and direction.

            “I knew what I had to do. I had to stop making infertility an idol. God’s Spirit was stirring at some level, deep in my heart and in my soul. My experiences working with clients, praying with my peers, and attending chapel services at Regent had all touched me. I realized God was working to change the way I viewed myself.”

            Those moments didn’t bring Anne peace about infertility, but she began to understand just how much God loved her. She wasn’t a failure. Whatever His reason, God hadn’t chosen to bless her and Mike with children.

Comforting Words

            Without hesitation, Anne put class work aside, and claimed Isaiah 54 as her life’s chapter from God’s Word. The sweet words there comforted her soul. God would husband her through the lonely nights when her heart was breaking, and Mike wouldn’t talk. God would be her husband when she was all alone with the strong emotions she worked to hide from everyone around her.

            Anne ate dinner alone that night; Mike wouldn’t be home for another day. She recalled the story of Gideon and his laying out a fleece, as recorded in Judges 6. Anne reflected on that story—and made a decision.

She too, would put out a fleece, and her fleece would be Isaiah 54.

“Some people think putting a fleece before God is a sign they don’t trust Him. I needed to lay that fleece for one reason, and one reason only: Laying down that fleece was my way of protecting my heart. It was my way of keeping my heart from being wounded any further. I was choosing to put my heart in God’s hands and trusting Him to protect it.”

Anne prayed as she laid her fleece before God. Her desire to have a child didn’t magically disappear. All the hurt, anger, frustration, questions, and self-deprecation didn’t just stop. She wasn’t at peace about infertility.

But something did happen.

            “My relationship with God began to return. Slowly, ever so slowly, I was coming back; coming back from the vacation I’d taken away from the God I had accepted as a child.”

            Anne’s depression didn’t go away either. It remained in the background, better hidden some days than others. Mike didn’t start being the affectionate guy he had been while they were dating. Much of the time he wasn’t even home. She decided it was wasted breath to try engaging him in conversations he obviously wasn’t comfortable having. And she still felt hurt for herself when friends were having babies and shower invitations came in the mail.

            “I memorized that chapter in Isaiah. I claimed it in a way I was sure no other woman had ever done. I would enlarge the place of my tent, I wouldn’t hold back, I wouldn’t be afraid, I would take my Maker as my husband, and I would acknowledge in a new way that the Holy One of Israel was my Redeemer.

            “No weapon forged against me—even the weapons of infertility and feelings of aloneness—would prevail. The Lord had declared it so.”

            That night Anne felt no need to cry. Her soul had been touched by God’s compassion, and she could almost feel that compassion draped over her like a gentle blanket. She fluffed her pillow and settled into the comfort of the bed.

If they were to ever have children, she would know.

Mike would read Isaiah 54 to her.

***

God answered Anne’s prayer in a way she wouldn’t have imagined. I couldn’t help but think how differently things might have turned out if she hadn’t shared her heartache. God used Sherman in a mighty way—what if he hadn’t listened to how his heart was being led?

I had read about Gideon’s fleece of wool in Judges.

As I drove home, I pondered what God would do with Anne’s fleece.